Feetlooze
by quisty8616
Summary: Remember that Kevin Bacon movie about dancing? Well, they made a musical of it. Close, but not quite. A ridiculous parody of Footloose the musical in two acts. Contains violence, swearing, and hilarity. Read it. You won't regret it. I promise.
1. Act 1: To Bomont and Beyond!

_A/N: __Welcome to t__he ridiculousness that is Feetlooze! If you've read Everything Snows, then you know what this is going to be like: a whole helluva lot of fun! This was actually a lot of fun to write, as were the other two parodies written by myself and my good friend Lyddia during drama club rehearsals. The story for this one: our high school actually did Footloose two years ago. Lyddia and I got small parts and weren't very happy about this. So we decided to write our own play. If you can't tell, I was Ethel and Lyddia was Lulu. The ladies definitely came out much better in our show, if I do say so myself, albeit a bit more violent. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this, our classic retelling of the timeless tale of Footloose!_

_A/N 2: This story contains a great deal of violence, subtle innuendos, not-so-subtle innuendos, profanity, blatant sex, and a dude in a giant cockroach costume. Faint of heart, do not continue! You should go try reading something like, oh, say, "A Life Worth Living" or my other glorious stories!._

* * *

**FEETLOOZE - A Play  
**

**ACT 1 **

**Scene: A Chicago Night Club**

**(People Dancing)**

**Ren- **I'm not leaving and you can't make me!

**Random Kid-**poke poke Where are you going Ren?

**Ethel- **You're going whether you want to or not!

**Ren-**You can't-

**Ethel-** (smacks him with suitcase full of brick and drags him off stage by the ankles. His head smacks a table leg, but mom doesn't notice and/or care)

People-Where the hell is Bomont? Resume dancing Bomont 

**Ren- **(Ethel and Ren have magically traveled 1,000 miles in two seconds. They are now in church in the ridiculously tiny town of Bomont, Somewhere In the Central MidWest. Ren is still unconscious, bloody nosed and black eyed)

**Rev**- Today we got us some new people. Ethel-

**Some Person**- Ethel! What the hell kind of name is Ethel?

**Rev**- and Ren McCormack. Ren? What a crappy name! What's it short for?

**Ren**-drooling duuuuuuuuuuuuh…

Music starts

**Lulu**-Ren! Sing dammit!

**Ren**- duuuuuuh! Falls out of chair

**Lulu and Ethel**- (singing) Bomont sucks, there's too much dust. I wish I were in Chicago. This vacation's a bust, and we don't miss our dad.

**Chorus**- (singing) Oooo Ah, start a new life here!

**Rev**-Amen Baby!

**Ren**- (suddenly completely healed) Church is over!

(Ethel hits him with bag of bricks, but Ren is prepared and hits her with bag full of horseshoes. Church turns into a huge metal/rock fight. Dialogue continues over it.)

**Rev**- (while smacking his wife with a fire poker) So, Mrs. McCormack, I hear you just moved here! Who are you staying with?

**Ethel**- My sister and her husband!

**Wes**- A-yup! (falls unconscious from Lulu smacking him with a railroad tie.)

**Lulu**- Guess where Ren's staying! In the garage!

**Vi**- Great!

**Eleanor**-Hey, I made cookies! Lets go burn your kitchen, Lulu!

**Lulu**- Fan-freaking-tabulous!

**Vi**-Yay, cookies! hops up and down We go, Ethel!

**Ethel**- Aw, hell, cookies and arson. I left Chicago for this?(they all exit)

**Rev**- (regains consciousness from being hit with an anvil) Hey Ren, have you heard about my daughter? She's damn purty and she's the biggest whore in Bomont!

**Ariel**- (primping and stuffing tissue in her bra) I am not! And besides, that's not even saying much. I mean, Lulu's a whore, and Eleanor, Wendy Jo, Urleen, Rusty, hell, even mom's a whore!

**Rev**- Alright, you're not as much of a slut as you could be.

**Ariel**- Daddy, can I go have sex with my punk boyfriend whom you hate so very much?

**Rev**- What does your mom say?

**Rusty**- She said it was ok if you say it's ok, and we wanna know if you say it's ok, so is it ok?

**Rev**- (stunned) A-yup!

**Rusty and Ariel**- Sweet! Let's go!

**Ren**-Damn, she's hot! But I'm a prude so I'll just stay away from her until she makes the first move. dances

**Scene: The Garage**

"The Girl Gets Around"

**Chuck**- My girl's a whore and I'm proud!

**Ariel**- I'm a Super-Whore, and I try to do a damn good job!

**Lyle and Travis**- She's so slutty she makes the Vegas whores cry!

**All**- Yeah!

**Scene: At School**

**Ariel**- Hey, Ren. I'm hot and you can't have me.

**Ren**- Shh! (Runs into Willard)

**Willard**-Hey! I'm a country hick and you can't run into me!

**Ren-**Sorry man…

**Willard**- Ha! You're too late! Now I'm going to take you down!

**Ren**- Aw man… I like your hat.

**Willard**- Is that some kind of stupid joke?

**Ren**- No, where can I get one?

**Willard**- Now you're asking for it!

**Ren**- I'm mad at you now! I'm going to dance!

"I Can't Stand Still"

**Ren**- I have ADD, so the doctor gave me some Ritalin, but it made me sick so now I have to dance my pants off…(end of song)

**Willard**-Shut up, dumb ass! The principal is going to kick your ass!

**Principal**- (spoken rather mechanically) What. Are. You. Doing. Young. Man?

**Ren**- Erm… I was just dancing in the hallway, no harm done.

**Principal**-No. You're. Wrong. Dancing. Is. Very. Harm. Ful.

**Ren**- Har har! Bomont people have a great sense of humor.

**Principal**- Beep beep boop beep. Syntax. Error. Does. Not. Compute. (switches to principal vision- a transparent red field with cross hairs in the middle) Danger. Sighted. Must. Destroy. (his eyes turn red and lasers shoot at Ren's feet)

**Ren**- Shit!

**Coach**-(flips switch on principal) Shh… good principal… Calm down. Ok, here's the lo-down on Bomont. There ain't no dancin' any time, any place.

**Student**-Yeah! If you dance, you get the chair! (points to a pink chair in the corner facing the wall) (all gasp)

**Rusty**-Hey! No you don't! Shut up! (whacks student with biology text book)

**Coach**- Ok, that's enough. Get to class or you'll get the chair!

**Rusty**-God! What is wrong with you people?!? (she pushes Ren center and Wendy Jo and Urleen appear magically in puffs of pink smoke) (crazy happy) D'ya wanna know why there's no dancing? Huh? Do ya, do ya, do ya?

**Ren**-Uh, not really, I…

**Urleen**-Great! Here's the scoop!

**Wendy Jo**-(Uber dramatic) People DIED!

**Ren**- Really? That's awful!

**Urleen**- Yeah yeah. Now we sing!

"Somebody's Eyes"

(Girls walk around Ren in slutty motions. The song is basically a huge sexual innuendo. Ren, however, is too stupid to get it.)

**Rusty**-Bomont is full of stalkers who are also very seductive.

**Urleen**-(growls seductively)

**Wendy Jo**-Watch out or you'll get… Lynched!

**Rusty**-(snaps rope like a dominatrix whip)

**Urleen**-(puts rope around Ren's neck all sexy-like) Cuz Bomont people looove to kill each other…

Vignette Number Only One 

**Cop**-I'm going to put you in jail, punk!

**Chuck**- Yeah!

**Principal**-Syntax. Error. Wrestling. Does. Not. Compute. Detention. Tomorrow. (laser eyes completely destroys set. Set is now a smoldering pile of ash which almost falls on Ren) (Dancers in back ground tear off clothes to reveal sexy bustiers and leather boots a la Rocky Horror)

**Ren**-(seriously disturbed) Well, that's… interesting… Yet, frightening… (runs away, but Lulu and Ethel catch him.)

**Lulu**-You're a complete failure, Ren! Your mother hates you!

**Ethel**-Damn straight! Everyone hates you! Why can't you just die?

**Ren**-But, Mom…?

**Ethel**-Don't "but mom" me! Lulu, d'you got somethin' to say?

**Lulu**- Hell yes! You're a whitey-tighty dumb ass and you should just kill yourself! Right Wes?

**Wes**- I like ducks.

**Lulu**-Damn! Shut up pumpkin! No more talkin' for you! (rips kitchen sink out and hits Wes with it.)

**Ethel**-Lulu, let's go. The sooner this vignette is over, the sooner we get to sing!

**Lulu**-Ok, let's carry on the blood fest stage right! (they high five like teenage girls, and each grab one of Ren's ankles)

**Ren**-Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

**Lulu and Ethel**- Shut the hell up!

**Scene: The Rev's House**

(The three people of Rev's family appear on a bare stage. Chuck is molesting Ariel throughout.)

**Rev**-This scene is kinda stupid, so…

**Ariel**-Chuck, stop! At least wait a few minutes!

**Vi**-We decided to summarize the scene in one sentence.

**Ariel**- Ariel: rejected, Rev: angry, Vi: sad. (all three bow and Ariel and Chuck commence making out)

**Vi**- For your listening pleasure here is a song I've prepared (lights go down, with a spotlight on Vi.) Maestro… (she smiles as music begins)

"Learning To Be Silent"

(Ethel and Lulu run on from opposite sides and slam into Vi from opposite directions. Lulu clotheslines her and Ethel kicks out her knees from behind. Vi falls into a pile on the floor and Ethel and Lulu shove her upstage.)

**Lulu**-That bitch! Trying to steal our song!

**Ethel**-Well, we've got it back! Maestro! (two shiny black grand pianos roll onstage with two really sexy non-descript lovers playing them. Let's pretend they're Kartik from A Great and Terrible Beauty and Jesse from the Haunted series)

**Kartik**- Alright loves, ready when you are! (the women rip off their frumpy 80's clothes to reveal sparkly cocktail dresses and white elbow length gloves)

**Lulu**- Teehee… ready Kartik! (insert name)

(music starts)

"Learning To Be Violent"

**Lulu**-You don't want to know about my man

I wouldn't even call him mine

That guy is so dumb

He couldn't even give you the time.

But wouldn't you know it, I've got someone new

And no one I know does the things he can do(Kisses the top of Non-descript lover #1's head "John and Yoko style", and giggles)

**Ethel**-I don't have a man anymore

Thank God he ran away!

But if it weren't for him I wouldn't be who I am today!

**Both**-Learning to be violent!  
Take control of our lives

Forget being silent!

This is what happens when you're somebody's wife!

**Both**-There are no excuses

That's the way to be

When you marry the wrong man

You know you've got to be free!

Violence!

**Lulu and Kartik**-(Tango really super awesome across the stage) (They have a rose and they pass it. A lot.)

**Ethel**- (singing over the dancing) We'll finalize our divorces,

And just to make sure, Violence is the key!

Learning to be violent!

Taking control of our lives!

Forget being silent!

This is what happens when you're somebody's wife!

**Both**-Violence! (The song ends with Ethel lying upside down, Arms spread out, with her head hanging over the piano. Jesse is standing over the piano playing furiously, and Kartik and Lulu are in a really intense dip)

**Scene: The Burger Blast (a.k.a. trashy burger joint)**

(A guy in a cockroach suit runs across the stage, all scared like. Betty Blast skates on after him, falls on her face, and drags herself off after the cockroach.)

**Rusty**-So Ariel, I hear you're a slut.

**Wendy Jo**-And a whore. Can't forget whore!

**Urleen**-And a cheap dime store hood.

**Rusty**-And a back street hooker in your mom's old fishnet stockings.

**Wendy Jo**- And a…

**Ariel**-Okay! I get it. But really, no one knows me. I wish I had a real man who thought about something other than sex 24-7.

**Ren**-(breathless) Hey girls! I work here now, like my skates? (shows off skates like a ten year old girl)

**Urleen**-You missed your entrance, bastard!

**Wendy Jo**-Thanks for ruining the show, asshole.

**Urleen**-(making eyes at Ren) He's really cute though, isn't he Wendy Jo?

**Wendy Jo**-For an asshole.

(Ren skates away sadly)  
**Willard**-God that Rusty is hot! I want to get in her pants!

**Ren**-VIRGIN EARS!!!! (a sand bag falls from the ceiling and narrowly misses his head) So tell me about Ariel. She's real purty! (drools)

**Willard**- Dude, she's a total crack whore, and you know what? They're fake.

**Ren**- No way!

**Willard**- No one's a triple E naturally. And on top of that she stuffs herself to a size F.

**Ren**-Woah! That's extreme! Can girls do that?

**Willard**-In these parts, they do what they want!

**Ariel**-As I was saying huff, I want a non-man-whore for a boyfriend. That's all I ask.

"Holding Out For A Hero"

**Ariel**-Even though I'm a whore, I really want a man.

**Girls**-Huh?

**Ariel**-How come all the other guys can't see me for who I am?

**Girls**-A major slut?

**Ariel-**I am not as skanky as they make me seem… every day I search high and low,

**Girls**-Search high and low! Oooo!

**Ariel**-But I know just who I need… I need a real man!

**Girls**- Doo doo doo doo! Doo doo doo doo! Doo doo doo doo! Ah! Ah!

**Ren**-Did you just hear music somewhere?

**Willard**-Dude, you need to lay off the crack before 11:00.

**Chuck**-(frolics in throwing flower petals) Ladeeda! I've come to fetch my trampslut girlfrieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeend! Leedeedee!

**Coach**-Hey! No dancing in Bomont! Ya dig?

**Principal**-Dancing. Does. Not. Compute. Activate. Lasers.

**Betty Blast**-Hey! (takes a huge drag on her cigarette. For like, 10 minutes. Where did she get the lung capacity?) Y'all better get that goddamn laser principal offa mah property, er I'll kick yer asses, da lot a yew!

**All**-Mumble mumble rassafrasssin' galdern friggin frackin stink-a-linkin' laser principal ruinin' the evenin' !

**Principal**-Hey. Detention. For. All. Want. To. Push. It. Punks. ?.

(another sandbag falls from the ceiling and crushes the principal.) (he explodes in a giant orange mushroom cloud.) (Bolts fly everywhere.) (everybody wipes the soot off of their faces and does a happy jig off stage.)

**Ariel**-(seductively) Hey Ren. I wanna… show you something.

**Scene: Great Plains of Bomont**

**Ren**-So, what did you want to show me?

**Ariel**-Shut up! Lets make dirty love in that alley over there!

**Ren**-Ah! Virgin ears!

**Ariel**-Gah! You're lame. Take me home!

**Ren**-Erm… Okay…

**Scene: The Rev's House (Again)**

**Eleanor**-We've decided that this scene is just plain dumb.

**Coach**-Yeah. Probably the worst in the show.

**Vi**-Hey, wait! I didn't decide this.

**Rev**-Majority rules Vi.

**Eleanor**-Instead, we're going to dance a jig,

**All**-jig

**Ariel**-Hey, what's up Pops? (to Rev)

**Rev**-Not much slut cake. We're just dancing a gig is all.

**Ariel**-Sounds like fun. Mind if Ren and I join you?

**Adults**-gasp!

**Rev**-That prude from Chicago isn't allowed in our pimp crib!

**Eleanor**-How rude! Showing up where you're not wanted! (bangs gavel)

**Ren**-Alright, sorry, I'll just leave then.

**Vi**-(follows him outside) Hey, sweetheart, are you free tonight?

**Ren**-(screams like a little girl and runs away fast)

**Rev**-Where did that loser from Chicago go?

**Ariel**-But daddy! He's alright!

**Rev**-Ariel, he's a prude and you won't get any money from him!

**Ariel**-I can try…

**Rev**-No! I forbid it!

**Ariel**-Wah! (runs off stage)

"Heaven Help Me"

**Rev**-My daughter's a tramp, I try to tell her what to do, but she doesn't listen to me. Oh woe is me! I'm a preacher, but I wish I wasn't. God help me or I'll become a worshiper of Satan! (Exit)

**Scene: The Un-written Scene (a bar)**

(Billy Joel is playing "Uptown Girl" in the background)

**Cowboy Bob**-What a day.

**Coach**-Yeah, I know! It sucks! I have to spend my entire day keeping track of stupid kids and a robot principal.

**Eleanor**-Don't even go there buster! I've got more problems than you! I cook, clean, bake cookies, and bang a gavel for a living!

**Principal**-What. A. Day. I. Am. So. Under. Appreciated.

**Cowboy Bob**-What are you talking about? I don't even appear in this version of the play! You're in every other scene!

**Principal**- (Eyes turn red) What. Did. You. Say.?.

**Coach**- (flips a switch on the principal's back and he turns off.) Good Principal.

**Kory**-What are you all talking about? I don't even get a name!

**Garvin**-Sure, but having a name isn't all that great. How would you like to be Garvin?

**Bickle**-Or Bickle?

**Jeter**-Or Jeter?

**Coach**-More beer please! (Sips it and puts the glass on the principal's head.)

**Eleanor**-This show is just dumb!

**Kory**-Why don't we get a song?

**Irene**-Alright! Did I hear someone ask for a song? Play it Billy!

"The Song Of The Under Appreciated"

**All Under Appreciated and Nameless Characters**- We are so unhappy. We don't get anything. No one will remember we were even in this show. What can we do? What will happen to this terrible play? We can only sit around and wait for the final curtain. Boo hoo. The end.

**Scene: Gym **

**Ren**- (in full traction body cast)

**Coach**-What's wrong with you, punk?

**Ren**-Mmmmph! Mmmph, mmmph!

**Willard**-Shouldn't he have mouth holes in that cast?

**Ariel**-Nah!

**Ren**-Mmmph mmph mmmph mmmph!

**Willard**-What'd you say 'bout ma mama!?!?! You're gonna get it now buster! (beats the crap out of traction action Ren. The cast falls off and Ren is ok except for a bloody nose)

**Coach**-Hey! No littering or bleeding on my gym floor! Give me fifty Ren!

**Ren**-But my arm is still broken!

**Coach**-Alright, give me 1000! Everybody else do it too, because I'm a sadistic Nazi! Mwahahahahahahah! (goose steps offstage singing the German national anthem.)

**All**-Damn you Ren!

**Ren**- I'm so mad! I can't dance, I can't hold a job, Ariel hates me…

**Ariel**-Damn straight! I just want his body!

**Ren**-I'm so pissed, I could dance! (commences into a Tae-bo dance. Billy Blanks comes out and joins him in song)

"I'm Free/Heaven Helps the Man"

**Ren**-You guys are all pissed so let's get off our asses and cause a riot!

**All**-Yeah! (all dance)

**Adults**-Ooo… aw screw it. (adults exit except Rev)

**Rev**- This riot sucks! Y'all better stay with God or he'll smite you with lightening!

**Kids**-Yay riot! (all dance some more)

**Principal**- Dancing. Does. Not. Compute. Riot. Danger. Level. Too. High. Must. Activate. Lasers. (he lasers Ren's head and his hair bursts into flames due to too much hair spray and gel.)

**Ren**-Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! (Runs in circles screaming. Ariel drop kicks the principal's head into the audience and Willard shoots it with a high-powered rifle. It explodes in pretty fire works.)

**Everyone**-(claps)

**Rusty**-Willard, the way you blasted that robot-laser-principal's head, ah it just made me horny!

**Willard**-Aw, shucks!

**Ren**-Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!


	2. Act 2: Something is Not A Crime

**The Barbeque Pit (looks suspiciously like the Burger Blast)**

(Betty Blast skates across the stage and falls into the pit)

**Betty**-A'm awright! (flames burst out of the pit) Ah! Neva mind! AAAAAAA!

**Irene**-Damn, this song is damn shitty. Can I sing something else?

**Kory**-Why don't you sing "Let's Hear It For The Boy"?

**Rusty**-Hey that's my damn song!

**Kory**-(hits her with a car) Hey, I'm the director and you'll do what ever I tell you to do! If I say go onstage naked, you'd better do it!

(everyone gasps, even though they were just dancing in leather bustiers and fishnets ten minutes ago…) Not like I really want you to go on naked…

**Irene**-Well I didn't really want to sing anything, but if I have to I'll sing "Let's Hear It For The Boy"

**Rusty**-(pulling herself off the floor) That's my song!!!!!

**Irene**-(kicks her in the head) Shut up!

"Let's Hear It For The Boy"

**Irene**-My baby is really crappy, he doesn't know anything. But he's good in bed so I keep him around. And he makes me horny when he shoots people. Yeah! (end song)

**Kory**- Hey! That had nothing to do with the fact that Willard can't dance!

**Irene**-Neither does the real song.

**Willard**-(shocked) I can't dance?

**Kory**-Whatever. Next scene!

The Rev's House (again)

**Chuck**-(knocks on the door) Hey, Mrs. Ariel's mom lady, where's my hot girlfriend Ariel?

**Vi**-She's not here. (slams door in his face)

**Rev**-Who was at the door pumpkin?

**Vi**-Just that high-school-drop-out-sex-fiend that our daughter is dating.

**Rev**-Good for him.

**Vi**-A-yup.

**Ariel**-Hey, I'm home!

**Rev**-(suddenly furious) Where the hell were you?!?

**Ariel**-Chill dadio! I was just out dancing legally in Baylor County with that extremely sexy new kid Ren.

**Rev**-Legal dancingok. Being outside Bomont, or anywhere else with Ren is not ok. You're not forgiven.

**Ariel**-(storms out)

**Vi**-Oh, Rev, please forgive her!

**Rev**-NO!

**Vi**-Alright then, but now I have to sing a song…

"Can You Find it in Your Heart"

**Vi**-Please forgive our daughter for being a skank. If you lay a finger on her I'll beat you to a bloody pulp. You're a really horrible mean man. Get over yourself. The end.

**Some… Other… Place… Or Somethin'**…

**Willard**-So, Ren, you're giving that speech to the town council, eh?

**Ren**-Uh, yeah, but I don't wanna. You can give it for me? (hopeful)

**Guys**-Hell no, you bastard!

**Ren**-But I don't wanna! (falls on floor in a tantrum) NOOOOOOOOOOO (breath) OOOOOOOOOOOOO!

**Willard-**Hey, just do what my mom says!

**Guys**-Geez louise, you mamma's boy! No one cares about your damn mother!

**Willard-**What'd y'all say? (whips out his shotgun and cocks it) Y'all got somethin' to say 'bout my mamma?

**Guys-**Nothin' man!

**Willard-**You guys gonna sing backup for me?

**Guys-**Yeah, sure thing buddy!

**Ren-**Just tell us about your damn mamma, you damn hick!

**Willard-**(eyes turn red with fury) WHAT'D YOU SAY 'BOUT MAH MAMMA?!?!?!?!?!

**Guys**-Shut up and sing the damn son!

"Mamma Says"

**Willard-**Here's the deal Ren baby, my mamma says use a toaster while you're taking a shower… Wait… That's not right… Mamma says hold your breath until you're blue… Oops, wrong again… Give me another chance… Mamma says buy chandeliers randomly… Aw damn!

**Mamma-**Willard, stop saying those things, you're making me look crazy boy!

**Willard-**Sorry Mamma…

**Mamma-**Damn straight! Now Ren, The one thing you gotta know is that once you drive up a mountain you can't back down.

**Ren-**But I don't even have a car!

**Mamma-**Shaddup and listen! Hit it Willard!

**Willard-**(playing washboard… badly… Garvin and Bickle play banjo and washtub bass respectively… Jeter plays the spoons)And Mamma says it doesn't matter if you drive a hard bargin or drive around town. Once you drive up a mountain you caaaaaaaaaaaaaan't baaaaaaaaaaaack DOWN! (They rip off patched overalls to reveal can-can dresses and join mamma in a kick line. Then they grapevine/shimmy towards off-stage)

(Before they get off-stage, Ariel and Co. run on. Ariel's face is covered in blood and she looks like Sissy Spacek at the end of 'Carrie', after the prom. Everyone stares…)

**Ren**-(finally) What the hell happened to you?

**Ariel**-Oh, it was nothing, really. (runs hands through icky matted hair)

**Urleen-**Why are the hell are you all wearing dresses?

**Wendy Jo-**I'm _disturbed_!

**Rusty**-I don't know you guys, Willard looks pretty hot with that dress on! (winks)

**Willard**-Aw, shucks! (opens fan and fans himself, fluttering his eyes)

**Ren**-What happened?

**Ariel**-Oh, Chuck just beat me senseless with a tire iron.

**Bickle**-Do you want me to call your folks?

**Ariel**-No, but you can call my 1-900 number!

**Bickle**-Not now! I'll meet you later!

**Ariel**- Behind the Burger Blast?

**Bickle**-Sure thing, baby. (growls)

**Urleen**-Aren't they disturbing Wendy Jo?

**Wendy Jo**-(sexily) Uh huh…

**Garvin**-Hey Bickle, you might just get lucky tonight!

**Bickle**-Yeah, three times!

**Ren**-Hey, shup up, Ariel is dying over here! (on cue a sand bag falls from the ceiling landing on Jeter's leg, once again, narrowly missing Ren)

**Jeter**-Ow! My leg! (drags himself off-stage)

**All**-Shut up!

**Random Teen-**Hey! Guess what! It's four for one night at the Burger Blast! (everyone weighs the situation: Ariel or free food?) (they make the decision and run off to the Burger Blast)

**Ariel**-(is rather upset) Stop! (to Ren who hasn't made it offstage yet. He freezes in a weird pose) (Ariel lassoes his ankle and he falls on his face) (Ariel drags him offstage)

**Ren**-Ow! Ow! My face! Ah!

**Back to the Bridge**

**Ariel-**So, here we are, totally alone. On the bridge. I'm completely vulnerable….

**Ren**-This is a bridge? It looks like modern art with graffiti on it.

**Ariel**-You bastard! That 'graffiti' is my poetry in honor of my dead brother!

**Ren-**Then why is it in spray paint? And on modern art?

**Ariel**-THIS. IS. A. BRIDGE, dammit! A BRIDGE!!!! Cant' you respect the dead?

**Ren-**Wait, what?

**Ariel**-This is where people DIED!

**Ren-**Wait, what?

**Ariel-**(ripping off her jacket) Aw, forget it. We're ALL ALONE here, so let's make dirty love and forget about all our problems!

**Ren-**AAAAAAA! Virgin ears! (curls up in a fetal position and sobs uncontrollably)

**Ariel**-Oh you damn baby!

**Ren-**(suddenly sober) Also, in the script, it says it's time for a song.

**Ariel**-It also says I'm supposed to be in love with you, but you can see how that's going.

**Ren-**WAAAAAAA!

**Ariel**-Shut the hell up! I'll sing goddammmit!

"Almost Paradise"

**Ren-**I LOOOOOOOOOOOOO(breath)OOOOOOOOOOOOOO(breath)OOOOOOOOOO-(Ariel smacks hom with the Bible and he goes unconscious)

**Ariel**- You're okay. I guess. (She pushes Ren off the bridge and he wakes up, sputtering)

**Ren-**Gah! I can't swim! I can't…. blub blub….

**Ariel**-Whatever. (chucks Bible after Ren and knocks him out again) Off to the Burger Blast!

**Town Council**

**Lulu-**And so it was unanimously passed that the price of a dog collar will be… Who the hell cares about damn dog collars? I'm going to lecture y'all about the glories of Paul McCartney. And here to assist me, Paul McCartney! (Paul comes out and his teeth do that Orbit gum sparkle thing…)

**Paul-**shing

**Ethel**-Hey, Lulu! Let's beat up Ren now and go the Paul worship session afterward, 'kay?

**Lulu-**Ok! (seductively)That is if he can wait that long…. (Nondescript lovers #1 and #2 pout in their seats) (Paul smiles sexily)

**Paul-**Oh ho ho… Behind the Burger Blast again love?

**Lulu-**You know it!

**Eleanor**-Thank you Lulu! The floor is now open. (silence) I SAID THE FLOOR IS NOW OPEN!!!! (Willard shoves Ren our of the peanut gallery)

**Ren-**(sort of out of it) Um, yeah… Something is not a crime…. Like…. Cheese? (picks seaweed out of his hair)

**Teens-**Dancing, you blinkin' idiot!

**Ren-**Oh yeah! Ok, here we go!

"Something is Not a Crime"

**Ren-**Uh, something is not a crime…

**Boys**- Yeah,

Yeah,

Yeah,

Yeah,

Yeah!

**Ren-**Yeah! Ever since the…. (goes unconscious from earlier Bible whack… so many concussions…)

**Boys**-Awoo! Move all night!

**Ren-**Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuh!

**Boys**-Thump thump thump thump! (Tree trunk)

**Ren-**Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh! (drools)

**Boys**-In nothing flat!

**Ren-**(falls over into a large puddle of drool) duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh!

**Boys**-D-

**Ren-**(suddenly awake again) Something! They would something! We don't know what, probably make dirty dirty love!

**Boys**-Uh, something, they would something…. Something, They would something… something they would something….

**Ren-**(narcoleptic again)Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh!

**Boys**-DAVE!

**Ren-**A-Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh!(hair is completely soaked with drool)

**Boys**-The bigger they come, the harder they fall!

**Ren-**(unconsciously munches on seaweed from hair) Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh!

**Boys**-Check this out!

**Ren-**duuuuh! (stands up and does a really pathetic 'Funky Chicken'. It's not even good. Looks like someone who has completely lost all control of his motor functions)

**Boys**-Careful Ren, there's a law! Now what were you saying to the Rev-meister?

**Eleanor-**Guys, This is seriously stupid. Lulu, please entertain us with your extensive knowledge of Paul McCartney.

**Lulu-**Oh yeah!(Winks, blows whistle) PAUL!!!!

**Paul-**(runs on wearing sheriff's outfit) You called, love?

**Lulu-** Sing us a song baby!

**Paul-** Right-o! (Sings "Maybe I'm Amazed" which turns into a duet and then a trio with Lulu and Ethel. When the song is over he leaves.)

**Ethel**-Next time we sing a song I know.

**Lulu- **Fan-freaking-tastic! Abso-posi-you-better-believe-it!

**Rev-** (High off refer and floating in a cloud of pot smoke) Hey man! We don't 'low none o' this dancin' stuff in this 'ere town! Gang-like violence, sure thang! Dirty, dirty love? You got it! Drugs? Hell yeah! But DANCING? No freakin' way! Now let's all get high!

**Eleanor**- (Really pumped) This meeting is adjourned! (Everyone leaves but Ethel and Ren)

**Ren- **(Consious again) Aw man! I thought my plan would work!

**Ethel**-It would have if you hadn't spent the whole night being drown in the river!

**Ren-**But mom!

**Ethel**- Nope, no buts! You've got to go talk to the Rev!

**Ren-**But I don't wanna! (Has a temper tantrum again) WAAAAAAH! I don't wannaaaaaaa!

**Ethel**-You're really pathetic. (Pulls pepper spray out of her purse and sprays it at him)

**Ren-**Ah! Ok! I'll go! (Exits)

**At Church**

**Rev-**(Still slightly stoned) And then God said, "Give me lisid or give me pot!" pft! Hahahahah! God, I crack me up!

**Ren-**Uh, Rev? C'I talk t'you?

**Rev-**(High and imagining himself as Hitler or Lenin… either one) Vat do you vant?

**Ren-** Hey, why are you talking like a crazy European dictator from the 20th century?

**Rev-** Chut up you pig! Who let you in chere?

**Ren-** Right… (Playing along) Crikey, I let meself in Vicar! I know all about yer laddie, Vicar, and I think Bomont should be 'lowed t'dance.

**Rev-**You capitalist dog! You know nothing about anything! Get out! (Rants in German) Ich liebe nacht sauerkraut volkswagen ein zweig zwei guten tag wir eilen mit schwacken. Dein reissverschluss, herbttsleid!

**Ren-**'Ey bloke! I don't understand Spanish, dig?

**Rev-** Out! Leave me and my pot alone!

**Ren-**(leaves)

"I Confess"

**Rev-**I used to have a son but now I don't. (Breaks into uncontrollable and very loud sobbing as choir walks in)

**Choirperson-** Is something wrong with the Rev?

**Rev**-BOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOO!

**Choirperson2**-Who's gonna give the sermon?

**Ethel-**How about Billy Joel?

**All-**Ok!

**Billy**-Hey yous guys! Let's all sing a song! (Breaks into "Big Shot")

**Choirperson3**-Is this appropriate for church listenin'?

**Billy-** Shut up and sing!

**Rev-**BOOOOOO HOOOOOO!!! Ren, go ahead and have your godforsaken prom! BOOOOOO HOOOOO!!!

**All-** YEAH! (for some reason this is funny because the entire cast except Rev laughs uncontrollably for fifteen full minutes. At 15:01 all stop abruptly and walk offstage, stony faced)

**Rev-**Hey, Vi-

**Vi-** Shut up, stoner! Let's dance, and then make dirty love!

**Rev-**I'm down!

**Willard-**Hey, Rusty, wanna come to Prom with me and then make dirty love?

**Rusty-** God, I thought you'd never ask!

**Guys-** Hey girls-

**Girls-** Hell no!

**Finale**

**All-**(Dance) Yay, riots! They really, really work! (all do the Macarena, and/or the hand jive… mostly the Macarena)

**Principal-** Dancing. Does. Not. Compute. Syntax. Error. Must. Destroy.

(The principal is now made of stuff from the garbage dump, eg. Old McDonalds cups, soup cans, Barbie doll pieces, and those plastic rings that come on soda six packs. And a tire. This is toped by his original head. Lasers flare.) Destroy. Vaporize. Annihilate. Die. Go. Away.

**All-**Aw hell, not him again!

(All ignore principal and resume dancing. They are now doing the swim and the mashed potato and the shopping cart.)

**Ren-**(Doing the sprinkler) Yay! Our show is over! Get the hell out!

**Ariel-**Ren, you've finally proved to me that you're a real man.

**Ren- **(truly surprised) Really?

**Ariel-** Yeah… But I'm with Bickle and Jeter now. And Travis, Lyle, Garvin… and Chuck on Tuesdays. Sorry loser. Oh boys! (Boys run out and follow Ariel like puppy dogs)

**Ren-**Aw man!

**Lulu and Ethel-** Ren, we're so proud of you!

**Ren-**Really?

**Lulu and Ethel-** NO! We're evicting you from the garage! Have a nice life! Don't bother to call!

**Ren-**Aw man!

**Wendy Jo-**Hey Ren, I think you're a sexy beast… Wanna- (Principal, miffed at being ignored, so he shoots out the ceiling above Ren. At the same time, a trap door opens underneath him. Ren falls under the stage, under a ton of bricks of plaster.)

**Ren's hand-**I'm ok…

**Principal-**Zap! (Zaps Ren's hand and the pile of rubble bursts into flame)

**Wendy Jo-** Oh well. Hey Wes, I think you're a sexy beast. Wanna join me behind the Burger Blast?

**Wes-**(almost catatonic) A-Yup.

**All-**(perplexed… They look at each other and say…) Feetloose! YEAH!!!!

**Fin**

**Encore**

(We Didn't Start The Fire)

All come out in torn clothes and teased-afro-hair and splattered in black-light paint. All head bang to "We Didn't Start The Fire"

Music switches to "Hey Jude" for bows. All whip out lighters and sing as the curtain closes. Really slowly. It takes ten minutes

**After the Show**

**Vi-**(coming home from the prom) Damn! Why am I always getting rejected? If only the Principal knew my true feelings… (She goes back inside to find Rev and Ariel fighting about what percent the Rev gets of her hooker earnings) REV! Leave her alone, you know you get twenty percent until she turns 18!

**Ariel-**(Storms out)

**Rev-**Why did you do that?!? I was this close (indicates with fingers) to raking in 25 percent!

**Vi-**GAH! (Beats him to a bloody pulp and stuffs him in a trash can) (Lulu, Ethel and Nondescript Lovers #1 and #2 walk by)

**Lulu and Ethel-** You go girlfriend! (They high five and exit)


End file.
